Thursday, May 1, 2014

20 days

Saturday the 12th of April I woke up with a powerful voice saying "20 days". 20 days for what? Matthew will be home by then. Will I get into a horrible car accident and die? I have been too distracted with my sister Theresa's wedding coming up on April 19th and Matthew's return from deployment soon after that I have been checking my phone while driving- a big no-no for me! That same day my phone got water damage. I can barely make phone calls on it. I refused to get it fixed because I felt that God was telling me I would die the most horrific death if I didn't stop texting and driving. Isaiah 55:8 ["For my thoughts are not your thoughts. My ways are not your ways," declares The Lord.] Praise him for that because my thoughts were out of control.

This story I am about to share, very few know. But it's time we empower one another and not live in closets anymore. Even as Christians we should be able to speak truth and life into one another. 

My sisters and brothers, here is what happened when I woke up this morning-

I had a vision of a 14 year old girl with the prettiest blue eyes who was smiling at me. She had a short haircut to her chin. Wavy but not as curly as Raelynn's. When I woke up, I knew exactly who she was. She was the little baby I aborted when I was 17 years old at 9 weeks. I was dating a guy much older than I was. He was 21. And the first time we had sex, I got pregnant. He and his mom decided for me what was best. I was too scared to tell my family so I went along with it. My parents soon found out afterwards and did what any parent would do in this situation. Loved me anyways- through the disappointment. 

I went on to college. I dedicated my life and the degree I earned to that baby. 

But still, lived with regret, anxiety, fear and a disappointment beyond what anyone could have said to make me feel any worse about the choices that were made in my past. 

Moving forward, I met the man of my dreams my final year of college. We married a couple months before I graduated. Found out I was pregnant a couple weeks after graduation. Pregnancy brought back old feelings that haunted me from my past mistake. What constantly ran through my mind was that because of my past, God would certainly punish me. And how guilty I would feel that if something terrible happened to this new baby, that poor Matthew would be punished as well. I carried around these feelings even past Wayne's birth and suffered postpartum depression because of it. After coming to Matthew with the fears I had all along and he said,"God is not a God who punishes us like that. Bad things will happen. But it is not a result of what you did." [Going back to His ways are not our ways.] I know now that was the devil trying to hold me back from being the mother God always knew I would be. 

Several years ago, my sister in Christ Tammie from church said,"Jesus lived the perfect life, void of sin. He died the most horrific death in our place and forgave as he lay dying on the cross. If you are unwilling to forgive anyone or situation in your life, you are therefore saying you are better than Jesus. Do you think you are better than Jesus?" Woah, I had forgiven so many in my life, and many were able to forgive me for aborting a perfectly healthy child, so why was I unable to forgive myself? I wrote it down and nailed it to the cross. I left it there and had a great peace about it. Which is why I am able to talk about it now. I am not who I was back then! 

You see, I was not far enough along to know what the sex of my baby was. I really wanted to name Raelynn, Dakota. I loved that name and fought for it. I now know who that name was meant for and I can't wait to meet her one day. 

I am not writing this to say abortions are ok! My life has made a complete 360 since that decision 14 years ago. Do not live in the fears or regrets of yesterday. I chose to be saved by the graces of God. Change from your wicked ways. Choose to live a life with Christ as your savior, nothing less! 

I did the math for when she would have presumably been born. I have no doubt in my mind, today is my sweet Dakota's birthday! 

Happy Birthday! 


2 comments:

  1. I cant tell u how much of a blessing u are! I miss our friendship from so long ago. You touched me deeply today, i think i remember this situation but i am so blessed to see what the lord has done in your life...what a warrior for him u have become!! I love u chic!

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    1. Thanks Karen!! Your friendship back then meant a lot to me. And your support and friendship now from afar. It was a scary and lonely thing to go through. Only a few knew about it and were great with my story and secrecy. I am able to live a fulfilled life beyond what I had ever envisioned for myself because of God's grace. Thanks again for all of your unfailing support! XO

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